How NOT to Go Somewhere

Have you ever been lost and asked for directions?

That happened to me a few weeks back. I was on vacation, riding my bike trying to find a recommended restaurant. I figured the directions were easy enough, and so I left my phone behind.

30 minutes into what should have been a 10 minute ride, I realized I was lost. I finally gave in and asked a kind man for directions. He enthusiastically agreed… but then proceeded to make it 10 times more difficult.

“So go down this street, but DON’T turn off here…”

“And be sure NOT to turn left there…”

“And whatever you do, DON’T make the mistake of…”

I don’t know about you, but I was getting more confused by the minute!

Don’t go where?

Don’t do what?

Wait, what street was I supposed to avoid?

I felt even more lost, and despite his kind efforts to help, I knew his instructions were just making things worse. I smiled, politely thanked him for his help, and rode away.

After a few more wrong turns, I eventually found my destination (much later than I had originally expected). As I sat ordering lunch, I asked myself, “What just happened?”

The man was from the neighborhood, he knew the area well, and was kind enough to help me. What went wrong?

Then it hit me: Instead of telling me what TO DO, all he told me was what NOT to do.

While his instructions were true the problem was, knowing where I DON’T want to go is NOT ENOUGH to get me where I DO want to go.

What does this have to do with influence and success?

I recently had a conversation with a friend who was struggling in their career. They felt stuck, lost, and not sure what to do.

Worse, they were disappointed in themselves.

When I asked further questions about what they wanted, they replied:

“Well, I DON’T want to do XYZ kind of job.”

“I DON’T want to be in XYZ kind of working environment.”

“I definitely am NOT good at XYZ kinds of tasks, and want to avoid them.”

“I don’t want to be stuck in XYZ type of situation.”

Do you notice a theme?

After several minutes of listening and clarifying questions, I asked if they were open to an observation. They agreed.

“You’re very good at defining what you DON’T want, but I haven’t heard one thing that you DO want.”

They seemed stunned. It had never occurred to them that their repeated language and thoughts influenced their life.

I then added, “Knowing where you DON’T want to go is NOT ENOUGH to get you where you DO want to go. It’s a good starting point, but right now, you can’t even define where you want to go. So is it even fair to feel disappointed with yourself if you haven’t reached it yet?”

They immediately recognized the problem, and saw how they were being overly harsh with themselves. Better yet, it was amazing to see the complete change of energy in their eyes as they contemplated a life defined by pursuit, vision, and potential… instead of boundaries, limiting labels, and avoidance.

We sometimes have the habit of falling into ruts and don’t realize it. The problem is, “The only difference between a rut and a grave are the dimensions.” -Ellen Glasgow. And what we DON’T want to do is an easy RUT to walk in. It doesn’t challenge us, its relatively easy to define, and generally no one disagrees with you. And a lot of people are stuck in “Rut Language” and have no idea.

On the flip side, taking the time to define where you WANT to go can be risky business. It pushes you, it stretches you, and it may even cause people around you to ask, “Well who do you think YOU are to go for something like that?” But if you want to live life at a higher level, there is no other way.

Just take it from Franklin D. Roosevelt, “The only limit to our realization for tomorrow will be our doubts of today.” Or from Robert Brault: “We are kept from our goal not by obstacles but by a clear path to a lesser goal.” “Rut Thinking” is precisely that: a clear path to a lesser goal.

• Have you ever found yourself in the same situation as my friend? Living a life defined by what you DON’T want as opposed to what you REALLY want?
• Have you noticed this language in others? Or perhaps you may have noticed this kind of language in yourself…

I frequently tell audiences that, “Abundance of opportunity never comes from scarcity of thought.” And the first step to success is realizing: where you DON’T want to go is NOT ENOUGH to get you where you DO want to go.

Maybe you and I talk more about it one day at your favorite restaurant. This time, however, I’ll be sure to bring my phone and arrive on time!

• Christian

CHRISTIAN HANSEN has gone behind the scenes in some of the biggest organizations in the world to find out the reasons why some people get chosen and why others don’t. As the #1 bestselling and LinkedIn Top Ten ranked author of “The Influence Mindset: The Art & Science of Getting People to Choose You” Christian helps teams and organizations who want increase their earning potential by standing out from the crowd and influencing people to choose them. With degrees from Brigham Young University and The London School of Economics, he’s helped thousands of individuals position and sell themselves. A fan of international communication, history, and choral music, he currently lives in Utah with his wife. Reach him at: TheChristianHansen.com