How I Declared War With Denmark

Who could have imagined that packing 100 corn tortillas in my suitcase would turn out to be a complete disaster? At the time, it seemed like a perfectly natural thing to do…

Let’s rewind here. If there is one thing you need to know about me, its that I grew up working in my family’s Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles, Los Gringos Locos. How does a “crossed-the-plains” Mormon pioneer-stock family (without a single drop of Hispanic heritage) start a Mexican restaurant? Well, that’s another story for another day. But let’s just say in my family, Mexican food is a really big deal.

The other thing you need to know is that my wife, Nathalie, is from the country of Denmark. That’s right… think Legos, pastries, and Hans Christian Andersen’s “Little Mermaid”. So when I flew to meet her family for the first time, how could this American make a good first impression? After thinking long and hard, I took the OBVIOUS choice: “what better way to break the ice than fresh tacos and enchiladas?”

OK, in retrospect, doing a full-send Mexican fiesta for Vikings was a massively bad idea, but AT THE TIME I thought it was destined to be a “meet-the-in-laws” triumph for the books. It was herring vs jalapeños, and I was packing the heat.

(Photo: What my Mother in Law’s kitchen NORMALLY looks like)

When I proposed the idea to my (then) girlfriend, she agreed out of politeness, and I proceeded to enthusiastically pack a suitcase full of dried guajillo chiles, pinto beans, tomatillos, extra Tapatio hot sauce, and 100 corn tortillas. When I arrived in Denmark, Nathalie’s eyes got big as burritos when she saw my traveling taco stand, and I mistook her cringe as a smile.

Oblivious to her worried signals, and carried away by the grand visions in my head (and tummy), I carried on and commandeered her mother’s modest Danish kitchen and began to cook the best damn authentic guajillo salsa roja that village had ever seen. Trays of enchiladas gave way to tacos, homemade rice and beans filled the air with comfort-food-goodness and pretty soon my fiesta was ready to serve.

As her large extended family trickled in and saw Gringo Loco over here cooking away, they were speechless. The last time a foreign power invaded Denmark on this level, was WWII. And why was this American cooking Mexican food? He is so strange! Then we sat down to eat. Immediately I knew I was in trouble. Compared to their standard fare of bread, pork and potatoes, the riot of flavors (I was accustomed to) was overwhelming and far too spicy. Plates of food I had carefully crafted were left uneaten, and no one even touched the enchilada sauce.

They were painfully polite, but I sensed through awkward whispers and glances that I had misjudged the entire affair. I had insulted the ancient Viking ways, and what I hoped would be a home run had flopped. The fiesta was a fiasco.

What does this have to do with influence and success?

At the end of the day, I wanted to impress. I wanted to show off. I wanted to show how great I was to prove I was a capable person and be accepted. The result? I tried to be the hero on someone else’s home turf.

So often when we are asked to help, or are hired to solve a problem, its easy to get carried away and swagger in as if its about “US”. We like to be the hero of the situation, and show how confident and capable we are. But when we take the role of the hero, it can be uncomfortable for people who want to be the protagonist for THEIR own hero’s journey.

One time when I was buying a house, my realtor introduced me to a mortgage specialist who was going to help me find financing options. The gentleman was clearly capable, knew his stuff, and had an answer to every question I posed. On paper, that sounds like a good experience… except for the fact that I had the strong impression I was just another call for him that day, and he wanted to efficiently assert his experience and credibility.

While he answered my questions with technical accuracy, he was dismissive of my emotional concerns and I felt unimportant. He skillfully rattled off numbers, but I had no idea what those numbers meant and how they affected my bottom line budget. When I brought up questions which were very basic for him, he curtly answered them and I felt a little stupid for asking. He was the hero of the phone call, but I was on my own hero’s journey buying a home. I wanted to feel supported and that I was making a good decision… not feel stupid and inferior.

Have you ever felt overshadowed by someone trying to be the hero of YOUR story? Just like me in Denmark, this mortgage specialist was playing the hero on my home turf. And like my in-laws, despite his skill and abilities, I wasn’t impressed.

Instead of you being the hero, what if you intentionally helped someone feel like THEY were the hero of their own story? What if you walked into a situation and purposefully sought out their perspective through questions, validated them in their decision making, and took the time to actively listen? These are the behaviors of a “Guide”, and make all the difference.

When it comes down to it, whom would you choose to serve you again and refer to others? A skilled and capable Hero making you feel inferior, or someone walking by your side and encouraging your own hero’s journey…like a true “Guide”? Guides win the influence game every time.

(Photo: The Vikings accepted me and allowed me to marry Nathalie. Here’s us on a recent trip back to Denmark!)

As for my war against Denmark, my future in-laws showed great patience and didn’t let my fiesta fiasco get in the way. Over my brief visit, they welcomed me and showed that connection doesn’t HAVE to include two kinds of sauces, quesadillas, rice and beans, enchiladas, tacos, and 100 corn tortillas.

Rather, they showed me how connection begins with genuine interest in learning where people are in their own hero’s journey.

How can you invest more curiosity in others this next week?

In the meantime, I’ll be working on cooking some more damn good enchilada sauce…

• Christian

CHRISTIAN HANSEN has gone behind the scenes in some of the biggest organizations in the world to find out the reasons why some people get chosen and why others don’t. As the #1 bestselling and LinkedIn Top Ten ranked author of “The Influence Mindset: The Art & Science of Getting People to Choose You” Christian helps teams and organizations who want increase their earning potential by standing out from the crowd and influencing people to choose them. With degrees from Brigham Young University and The London School of Economics, he’s helped thousands of individuals position and sell themselves. A fan of international communication, history, and choral music, he currently lives in Utah with his wife. Reach him at: TheChristianHansen.com